Memoirous

I continually ask myself—Why? Why do I go on? Why do I harass myself by trying to write? Planning a hike to the Arctic Circle end of August (Kungsleden)? Sometimes all I want to do is stay in my comfort zone—out in the garden or in my Tiny House with a mug of tea. Then . . . I remember. As human beings we continually need to be challenged. I see what happens when people stop. When we park as close to the store entrance as possible and get out of the car and minimize our steps and daily encounters. We shrivel up and lose mobility and become less interesting. Psychologically we suffer as well as physically. Yet—it’s so easy to give in to this temptation. I’ve been struggling with this so much lately. To be honest, I’m scared. And when this curtain falls over me, I know I must recover. Throw it off. Face my fears. Another admission: many of the things I fear or worry about are simply made up. Borrowed. Not necessarily the enemy at the front door. Though, equally as crushing. L...

What do we do when we get too old? What is too old? The Boomers are taking over, sucking the pension right out of the Millennials. We are taking most of the resources and leaving behind deficit, decay, and a planet in distress. So for the good news— I like to write and listen to music and so I love All Songs 24/7 from NPR because it introduces me to MANY styles and new stuff. It helps me feel relevant. As if I can have an opinion on Brandi Carlisle and Cardi B. This is important in the journey to getting old, being able to have opinions and act like I know what’s going on. It’s all an act. So I’ve been discovering and rediscovering some old musicians such as Marianne Faithful and Paul Simon, who both in their 70s, have put out new work, their latest (last) album. Marianne Faithful, whose biography, has so many re-boots that she truthfully shouldn’t be here. I won’t go into detail, because that would be impossible, let’s just say she doesn’t give up. Maybe g...

And a time when you just cannot bullshit. An acquaintance of mine, not really super close, but we know each other professionally just got a diagnosis that has shattered me. Selfishly all I can think of is me. You see we are about the same age, same everything, yet she has early Alzheimer’s which I think is a real bitch. We aren’t even Facebook friends, and I went to her profile and looked up pictures. That smile, that face—it will slowly fade. Those plans for travel, the books she was going to sit down to write, future weddings. They still may happen, except she might not be involved, or if there peripherally, and the memories one should hold dear—those will disappear. I think of myself in the middle of mid-life, middle-aged, and the very idea of Alzheimer’s freaks me out. Losing memories, losing time. It changes everything. The shared bits and pieces, the memories that make us uniquely us, gone. Right now I am in the midst of planning a thousand-mile bike trip from the to...

Lately thinking about mortality. Maybe it's because I have an impending birthday. Maybe it's because we're beginning to talk about retirement--not actually doing it, but the difficult conversation of "Are we ready?". Then there was the devastating news this week of a friend a few years younger than myself who got a terrible prognosis. It was like a punch in the gut. It's hard to talk about. In a phone call with my daughter who is only just getting started with all the big life decisions, I told her about my friend. Though she empathized and asked how I was doing, it wasn't something she could relate too. not yet. As it should be. I remember as a kid my mom telling me about a friend of hers who had cancer. "In every part of their body." Back then cancer was synonymous with death. Most people didn't recover. I remember thinking that isn't this what old people are supposed to do. Die. But not in their late forties, is what I'd like...