Kilauea

Hawaii had been in the news lately. There was the unfortunate alert sent out that the island was in imminent danger of attack that proved to be false. And now Kilauea looks to be erupting. The latest report is that 18 fissures have opened up and lava bombs the size of refrigerators might come flying down upon people living in subdivisions in the volcano’s shadow. So this threat is real. There is speculation from pressure building inside that the whole thing might blow.

Which leads me to the thought: perhaps Harvey Weinstein could push a virgin into the volcano’s mouth and appease the fire gods. I read that Pele the mythical fire goddess was both a protector and feared. Either way she was a continual presence among the natives. It was actually television that introduced the idea of indigenous Hawaiians sacrificing virgins to Pele. It wasn’t originally part of the religion.

So putting the two ideas together I came up with a plan: Harvey Weinstein pushing a young woman into the lava center of a volcano. It could be done. It has been done. And, what is one virgin when there are so many? For him there was always more where that came from. An unending line of them.

I read that the eruptions are disrupting air traffic, that it might affect tourism, that folks are worried. They’re taking anti-depressants, eating Spam, finding it hard to sleep at night. Please someone call Harvey Weinstein and tell him to fly over; he can bring his assistant with him. He knows how to divert people, keep them entertained. Perhaps he can stop the lava flows, bring peace to the Big Island. Let’s start a new hash tag campaign #Meinto

Let’s calm Kilauea with all the modern methods at our disposal: sacrificing women, an age-old rite.